Yesterday if was my 39th Birthday!! I had made no plans to do anything and I had not asked any of my friends if they wanted to help me celebrate...you see since Lilbit was born when I was 29 I have spent every year convincing myself and my family that I was not that bothered about my birthday and that 'it is just another day' and that I was happy to not really celebrate. It even went as far as me celebrating Lilbits half birthday on my own birthday as its exactly six months before hers...
So on the run up to my birthday this week I started to feel really down, lonely and mad at myself for allowing me to dampen down that its my birthday and undervaluing my own self worth and the need to celebrate as we would if it was one of the children! I was also a bit low because its now only 365 days until I am 40 and I know I am not the only one who may struggle with that milestone!
Anyway, I put my feelings about it all into a Facebook group of supportive women I am and I was surprised at the amount of women who felt the same and let their birthdays pass by without having any time to feel special or make the day theirs. And I realised I was annoyed for them and felt they deserved their day and then in turn I was annoyed with myself for letting myself not WANT to have a birthday that was special each year!
I think that some of us concentrate so much on being mum/wife that we forget that we have to have time to be us too; to celebrate our lives, feel special and be the center of attention sometimes! And a birthday should be the perfect reason to do it!
The reason I do not ask anyone outside of my husband, kids and parents is due to my overwhelming anxiety that no one would want to come, and I over think it until I talk myself out of wanting to do anything because it is easier than facing rejection. (this is something that happens all the time not just birthday celebrations)
I mentioned how I felt to the hubby after realising that I probably should be putting my feelings out there and making an effort to change how I feel on my birthday and in the morning I had breakfast made for me and bunting up and balloons and cake and the kids and him made me feel lovely (I even had 15 mins upstairs without any of the children with me)
I then decided that I really wanted to be outside, the weather was terrible but I was craving fresh air and space! So I took us all to the shoe shop and got some new wellies for us all (yes in May...I am buying flipping wellington boots in May!) and me and the kids descended on Barry Island! We were the only crazy people on the beach and we jumped in the sea and ran around and collected some rubbish and ate ice cream and chips! Lilbird has never been puddle jumping so as we were all soaked anyway we walked along the promenade splashing in huge puddles and he literally was the most excited I have ever seen him! A family who were out for a walk even stopped to watch him because he was so captivating jumping from puddle to puddle laughing and smiling!
We then decided to visit my parents and this meant I got to relax and put my feet up while the family played with the children and then later once the kids were in bed the hubby cooked me steak for dinner (despite being a vegetarian himself!)
It wasn't a huge change from a normal day but I did what I wanted and I felt special! Next year I am going to plan! I am going to make sure I go away for a short break and I am going to ask my friends if they would like to celebrate with me...I know not everyone will be able too as as we get older we get busier but I will make the effort to not let my birthday pass me by!
I will not tell people I am not bothered, I am
I will not use the line 'its just a birthday!' I It isnt its MY birthday
I will not dampen down my need for some me time - I deserve it
and I will not devalue the meaning of turning one year older! Its MY day and I should celebrate my life each year!
Whether its getting your hair done, spending the day in bed, going out for food with friends or having a little getaway! We need to remember that there are some days in the year, in particularly, our birthdays where we DESERVE to be spoiled and we DESERVE to not let them pass us by! We need to OWN our birthdays whether we are 9, 39 or 79!
And just to show you here's the videos from our day x